January 14– Dress Up Your Pet Day. Yes, the day where it’s okay to humiliate your pet with that matching sweater and booties, forever scarring their fragile psyche. The origin for this day is unknown, but obviously started by someone that hates pets.
February 12 – Plum Pudding Day. Hooray! You get to celebrate today by eating all the plum pudding you can handle! Oh wait. You probably won’t. Want to know why? Because this isn’t 1850’s England. That’s why.
March 11 – Worship of Tools Day. Look, we don’t really know which way to go with this one. Do they mean hammers and such? Your boss? The dummies in Washington? You just feel free to worship your tool of choice.
April 3 – National Tweed Day. Ah, tweed. That fashionable woolen fabric that delights those in need of something a little warmer to wear. Go get a snazzy tweed suit today. You deserve it.
May 11 – Twilight Zone Day. You are about to enter another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of goofy national days. A journey into a wondrous land of May 11. Next stop, Twilight Zone Day!
June 1 – Flip a Coin Day. Heads I win, tails you lose.
July 4 – Sidewalk Egg Frying Day. Sure, it’s also Independence Day, but let’s not forget the real importance of July 4th. It’s the day we crack an egg on a filthy sidewalk in the hopes it cooks enough to merit eating without getting completely ill. Our founding fathers must be so proud.
August 18 – Bad Poetry Day. Let’s all head down to the coffee shop open mic for some truly awful poetry, crafted by students with too much time to kill. Appreciative finger snaps optional.
September 6 – Fight Procrastination Day. I’ll write something about this later.
October 12 – Old Farmer’s Day. You young farmers can just scram for a while. It’s time to celebrate the old farmers. You know, the ones that warn kids not to go down deserted roads at night? Or the ones that end up pitch-forking kids who decide to go ahead and go down deserted roads at night? Yeah, those guys.
November 16 – Button Day. Button Day! We celebrate the thing that keeps our shirts on and our fly closed! Wait a minute… To hell with you, Button Day!
December 30 – National Bicarbonate of Soda Day – Those fat cats at Big Baking Soda Co. are at it again. Always making us remember the many uses of this wondrous chemical compound.