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Did You Really Just Open That Creaky Door?!

Written by

Adam Johnston

Give me a bottle of bourbon and half a chicken, and I’ll conquer the world! My job is to make sure that everyone else does their job, which has to be the easiest job in the world considering the brilliant, hard-working people we have in our Flock. My ultimate goal is to run a company that people are proud to work for. I’m an avid statesman, adventurer, Burner, Broadway aficionado, athlete, and I wear my Cole Haans as often as my cowboy boots. It’s a wonderful life.All Posts

Horror films. You love ‘em. You hate ‘em. You watch ‘em. But what if you find yourself in one? Maybe this seems unlikely to you, but I’m sure those poor counselors at Crystal Lake felt the same way. And the kids on Elm Street? I’m sure they never thought they’d be dodging a burned-up dude with fine cutlery on his hand. So you can be like all the other victims and die stupidly, or you can read below to find surefire ways to survive being sliced, mauled, hung, cut in half…you get the point.

Don’t Go Upstairs – You hear the shutters banging against the window up in the bedroom? Leave it. Seriously. Because it’s not the shutters. It’s that Tibetan wish doll with the porcelain face you’re granny bought from the trinket store from the old Chinese man. That noise is the doll, banging the window with granny’s freshly-hollowed skull. Stay where you are.

Don’t Go Downstairs – Uh, did you not just read the above? That sound in the basement isn’t your cat, Mr. Mittens. No hon, it’s obviously an escaped lunatic wearing a clown costume and holding a pick ax. That fact that he’s meowing softly is also not good.

Don’t Split Up – I realize that under normal conditions you can cover more ground in a search by splitting up. But you’re in a frigging horror movie, for cripe’s sake. Splitting up is exactly what will happen to your body when it gets chainsawed by the guy that wears human faces as a mask. Pieces of you will be everywhere, so I guess technically you will be ‘covering’ more ground…

Don’t Solve The Puzzle Box – Oh, but you love puzzles? Really? Ok, go ahead and solve the puzzle box then. Just don’t blame us when you and your friends are banished to eternal, torturous damnation because you just had to summon a genuine damn demon. Stick to your Rubik’s Cube, sport.

Keep It In Your Pants – Look, we all have urges. And bumping uglies is as fun as it gets. But resist the temptation, especially if it seems like the girl you’re with is way out of your league. It’s a trap, pure and simple. Either she’s tricking you (as the nerd) and it will backfire with both of you getting chopped up, or she’s not tricking you (as the jock) and you’ll both still get chopped up anyway. So no boning.

Call The Cops – Simple. Call the freaking cops. Hear a moan coming from the walls? Call the cops. See a long-dead relative in the kitchen eating cereal? Call the cops. Wolf creature dancing the Macarena in your study? Call. The. Cops. It’s their problem.

Take a Pass – Finally, just politely decline any and all requests that sound like horror movie tropes. Is your sorority going to plan a party in the abandoned hospital? No thanks. Oh, did your dotty old Aunt Bedelia from Salem leave you her ashes in a will? Sorry, not interested. Hey, you just won a new house – next to the cemetery! Gosh, sounds nice. But I like my two bedroom apartment just fine. Fewer zombies, I’m guessing.

Make sure you share this handy list of horror film hacks with your trivia team. And then look in the mirror and say ‘Last Call Trivia’ three times. We dare you.